Gaslighting for Dummies
I had an interesting conversation today about a relationship I was recently in…it seems I was “gaslighted” and didn’t realize the terminology only something was very wrong. It all started when after a few days dating I was told he loved me and that I was in fact his twin flame. I had to look up twin flame for the definition. Flattered but skeptical I moved ahead…I am an emotional thrill seeker. My bad.
So what you may wonder made my friend say that I had been “gaslighted?” Well it all started with the fact that as a monk he was the all knowing, seeing Lama which had all the answers which escaped even the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Han. Hmmm really the Dalai Lama is lacking skills that a guy living in a dirty, cluttered studio apartment from LA in an industrial neighborhood possesses? This is definitely worth looking into. Hmmm can’t seem to nail down where he actually got his training as a monk. Fuzzy picture on this fact and no monk peers. All the monks I have known (2) have always had monk peeps and are affiliated with a monestary. This is where I must admit I am a relationship thrill seeker. I will intentionally date someone who is not my type or even on my intellectual level just to get inside their head and have a look around. Again my bad. Not that I’m a bad person in fact nothing could be further from the truth. I just seek to understand. My friends call me the “crazy whisperer” as I have a knack for communicating with the oddballs of life. In this instance the guy was very charming but, my first tip off was he insisted on complimenting me again and again on my looks. I have been a pretty woman and girl all my life and was raised not to accept or be swayed by compliments or put downs as both are the territory of the insecure. He also insisted I thank him for said compliments as though they were heart treasures to be revered. They were attempts to manipulate my self esteem as they can be taken as well as given…why my mother taught me not to be swayed by them…and let’s face it my looks are just the genetic roll of the dice. They do not make me a better person or more lovable just easier on some people’s eyes. I am sure in some eyes I am ordinary looking or even unattractive and I’m okay with that too. To each his own.
Next tip off was how intelligent I am…and other ex girlfriend’s are just EEdeeots as he puts it. He routinely put down his neighbors of other faiths as well. Big red flag coming from a holy man. I could feel the manipulation pulling at me so he could push me later. Next up changing the way I see my friends and refering to them as vapid. Hmmm I like my friends and whether or not they match any of his “hater-ade drinker” descriptions is of little consequence as one who loves many types of people. We are all valid in my view. I have a very diverse group of friends. Now going out to a dance club to get my groove on with my besties (I don’t drink) is no longer an option and for” losers.” My pre existing schedule no longer exists either and I am required to report in often and expected to stay over every night after the 2nd date. ReallY? This is going to be a doozy of a rollercoaster ride. I fasten my seatbelt and get ready to bring him around to my friends (okay not all of them but, a select few). My friends really try to like him but, he quickly makes it clear his dietary choices and would my friend mind not smoking in his own home? He also interrupts when someone is talking to me to interject why I must help him with his food. My friends are hard pressed to like him.
He also has various vague and unidentifiable conditions which elude modern science because again doctors are all incompetent. These manifest surprisingly(?) when he is not getting his way, needs attention or I am getting too much attention. Any questioning of what is going on is quickly squelched by stories of his horrid mother and mean sister who has been cruel since they were kids. (Violin music is now playing). On the musical note I love reggae music for its content not just the beat and I it is not tolerated even in my own car which is driven everywhere as he does not have wheels and has conditons which would make him a dangerous man if he drove…unless of course he can control the extreme ticking and tremors…is that even possible? Sorry but my Sunday morning Marley and friends radio time is non negotiable and seriously what kind of person doesn’t like Bob Marley and his message of peace and love?
Red flag number 86 was when I expressed a professional opinion on the validity of a business start up which I had actually spent considerable time on was 86d as he wrote and I quote “
I found the pride, deceit, obfuscation as well as both the manipulative and finally overbearing tendencies with which you communicated with me yesterday to be most distasteful.
I have no use to listen to you praise your great intellectual qualities. If you truly want to impress me, then demonstrate them through specific acts, not vague ideas; as I’ve told you numerous times”. This was in response to my ideas based on research consulting with experts in marketing, angel investors, operations specialists and my own experience as an entrepreneur.
Sometimes folks just like to have someone agree rather than tell them the truth. I also found myself thinking of elaborate tales to avoid seeing him and telling him I was at a monthly meeting of a trade group. He insisted I join his webinar class and attend each Tuesday…huh? Wait a minute I have a regular meeting each 2nd Tuesday…not anymore. From the get go I thought Sweet cheeses this could be taught in 30 minutes instead of rambling on like a bad Jay Leno for 2 plus hours zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Again some folks like the sound of their own voice. After contacting an ex girlfriend he had lived with for several years I was convinced he was the gas lighter my friend suggested he is…his bad. I am now happily single again and moving forward on the path with the help of Thay and others including the Dalai Lama. : )
