1)An American Express bill heading your way with so many pages it has extra postage?

2) A pile of items for your next regifting opportunity?

3) 5 lbs around your waistline from eating dry cookies slathered in crisco based frosting?

4) A thank you letter from the non profit you supported instead of the local mall?

5) A sense of well being and happiness from a holiday spent relaxing?

Everybody who knows me knows I give gifts like fresh pomegranates off my organic tree, organic basil from my garden (yes in December) or a card from Habitat for Humanity sponsoring another project. I like it like this. My best friends took me out for a delightful dinner and my daughter sent culinary delights from New Orleans her home.  My brother bought a sheep for an African family and honey bees for another in Guatemala.

I am not surrounded by wrapping paper made with toxic chemicals and tossed casually in a land fill nor must I donate the singing bass (yes I received one for Christmas a few years back) all while hoping the giver never looks for on the living room walls.

I spent part of the holiday week at the pool, hiking in the canyons nearby and strolling the beach with my son’s dog. I never camped out overnight to save on a flat screen TV (I don’t own a television) nor did I use my credit card to buy things for people who don’t need them. I never jockeyed for parking at the mall or worried they would run out of purple left handed thingamajigs before I got one. I did help a friend get started organizing her life for the new year and visited another friend in the hospital. I had time to visit an elderly neighbor and get my tax papers ready for the IRS. Not all fun things I assure you but, satisfying none the less.

One evening I stayed up late and got caught up on all my mending and even restyled a favorite skirt I had been ready to donate. Repairing those items and sewing on buttons added a sweater, a winter coat, a skirt and a bikini top to my usable wardrobe. All in all time well spent.

I have to go now because it is 80 degrees out and I want to hit the pool before dinner. Live simply and live well.

So what you may wonder made my friend say that I had been “gaslighted?” Well it all started with the fact that as a monk he was the all knowing, seeing Lama which had all the answers which escaped even the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Han. Hmmm really the Dalai Lama is lacking skills that a guy living in a dirty, cluttered studio apartment from LA in an industrial neighborhood possesses? This is definitely worth looking into. Hmmm can’t seem to nail down where he actually got his training as a monk. Fuzzy picture on this fact and no monk peers. All the monks I have known (2) have always had monk peeps and are affiliated with a monestary.  This is where I must admit I am a relationship thrill seeker. I will intentionally date someone who is not my type or even on my intellectual level just to get inside their head and have a look around. Again my bad. Not that I’m a bad person in fact nothing could be further from the truth. I just seek to understand. My friends call me the “crazy whisperer” as I have a knack for communicating with the oddballs of life. In this instance the guy was very charming but, my first tip off was he insisted on complimenting me again and again on my looks. I have been a pretty woman and girl all my life and was raised not to accept or be swayed by compliments or put downs as both are the territory of the insecure. He also insisted I thank him for said compliments as though they were heart treasures to be revered. They were attempts to manipulate my self esteem as they can be taken as well as given…why my mother taught me not to be swayed by them…and let’s face it my looks are just the genetic roll of the dice. They do not make me a better person or more lovable just easier on some people’s eyes. I am sure in some eyes I am ordinary looking or even unattractive and I’m okay with that too. To each his own.

Next tip off was how intelligent I am…and other ex girlfriend’s are just EEdeeots as he puts it. He routinely put down his neighbors of other faiths as well. Big red flag coming from a holy man. I could feel the manipulation pulling at me so he could push me later. Next up changing the way I see my friends and refering to them as vapid. Hmmm I like my friends and whether or not they match any of his “hater-ade drinker” descriptions is of little consequence as one who loves many types of people. We are all valid in my view. I have a very diverse group of friends. Now going out to a dance club to get my groove on with my besties (I don’t drink) is no longer an option and for” losers.” My pre existing schedule no longer exists either and I am required to report in often and expected to stay over every night after the 2nd date. ReallY? This is going to be a doozy of a rollercoaster ride. I fasten my seatbelt and get ready to bring him around to my friends (okay not all of them but, a select few). My friends really try to like him but, he quickly makes it clear his dietary choices and would my friend mind not smoking in his own home? He also interrupts when someone is talking to me to interject why I must help him with his food. My friends are hard pressed to like him.

He also has various vague and unidentifiable conditions which elude modern science because again doctors are all incompetent. These manifest surprisingly(?) when he is not getting his way, needs attention or I am getting too much attention. Any questioning of what is going on is quickly squelched by stories of his horrid mother and mean sister who has been cruel since they were kids. (Violin music is now playing). On the musical note I love reggae music for its content not just the beat and I it is not tolerated even in my own car which is driven everywhere as he does not have wheels and has conditons which would make him a dangerous man if he drove…unless of course he can control the extreme ticking and tremors…is that even possible? Sorry but my Sunday morning Marley and friends radio time is non negotiable and seriously what kind of person doesn’t like Bob Marley and his message of peace and love?

Red flag number 86 was when I expressed a professional opinion on the validity of a business start up which I had actually spent considerable time on was 86d as he wrote and I quote “

I found the pride, deceit, obfuscation as well as both the manipulative and finally overbearing tendencies with which you communicated with me yesterday to be most distasteful.

I have no use to listen to you praise your great intellectual qualities. If you truly want to impress me, then demonstrate them through specific acts, not vague ideas; as I’ve told you numerous times”.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         This was in response to my ideas based on research consulting with experts in marketing, angel investors, operations specialists and my own experience as an entrepreneur. 

Sometimes folks just like to have someone agree rather than tell them the truth. I also found myself thinking of elaborate tales to avoid seeing him and telling him I was at a monthly meeting of a trade group. He insisted I join his webinar class and attend each Tuesday…huh? Wait a minute I have a regular meeting each 2nd Tuesday…not anymore. From the get go I thought Sweet cheeses this could be taught in 30 minutes instead of rambling on like a bad Jay Leno for 2 plus hours zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Again some folks like the sound of their own voice.    After contacting an ex girlfriend he had lived with for several years I was convinced he was the gas lighter my friend suggested he is…his bad.  I am now happily single again and moving forward on the path with the help of Thay and others including the Dalai Lama. : )

After two and half glorious months basking in the brain chemicals which tell us we are in love I find myself single again.

I must back up a bit and let you know that I take being someone’s love muffin very seriously. I am a devoted girlfriend and confidant. I love to cook and am no slouch I’ve been told. I enjoy cleaning and making things efficient and simple. I LOVE to spend time experiencing life with my beloved. I also need my alone time…and by that I don’t mean asleep or taking care of business or other loved ones. I mean A L O N E. Time to contemplate life and everything in it. My preferred mode is ocean, lake or mountains. I will take a swimming pool in the absence of the others. This is a very important part of who I am and my happiness. I don’t need lots of money, attention or lavish gifts to feel loved. I just need my space and respect for that.  I am by nature a very private person (I know I know blogging isn’t exactly private) and I need to feel safe in my privacy and the respect for that privacy.

Part of the art of letting go is trusting when your partner needs space and or time to contemplate and even spend time with friends or enjoying hobbies. I pursue the best friend option in love…meaning that from the start we are each other’s best friend. I mean if we aren’t treating each other as best friends too then the love part will wane in time. My former husband was my best friend for almost 25 years. I am sure that is why it worked so well. Despite having differences and not always being madly in love we did have a healthy respect for our friendship and our commitment.  So when a love relationship doesn’t work out but, the other party says those words we’ve all heard “I’d really love to be friends” I know it is absolute bullshit. Why is that you say? Well lemme break it down for you…

The reason your best friend is your best friend is that they think before throwing you under the bus…that is they know that wanting to keep you as friend means being thoughtful and mindful of the other person’s feelings. Sure we screw it up on occasion that’s what makes us human. The difference is friends are quick to correct the situation and make nice. If we keep that attitude up front in our love relationships we are far more likely to be mindful of their feelings. Hurting someone deliberately with words and causing fear of break up if they say something or voice their feelings is cruel and not how a friend behaves.  So it is with this reasoning that I do not friend old flames. I guess I figure if we truly were friends and you loved me you would already be my friend and their would be no need for a breakup because I would be heard and respected.  The rare exception would someone who after much thought and time re approached with kindness and love in their heart. That person is a friend…and might also be a lover.

So take to your path with love at the forefront and always treat the other person with compassion in even the most ordinary of tasks and discussions.

Now the families around me had tents and play pens and chairs and coolers and blankets and toys and a wagon and umbrellas. They spent  the better part of a hour setting up whike I swam in the chilly waters of the Pacific and then I decided to take a nap on my sarong on the beach. After I woke up I realized it was time to reapply the sunscreen and saw they were now packing up. Another 40 minutes and four trips to the car and I was exhausted just laying next to their campground estate! By the time they left I was needing another nap and so I flipped over and fell back into my sweet beach sleep…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

In our next episode I meet my Latino dude doppeganger.