Fifty Shades of Blue

July 8, 2012 at 5:19 pm (Letting go, LoVe, Travel) (, , , , , )

Is how a beautiful man once described my eye color. More recently it has come to my attention there is a book of a similar name. Grey instead of blue…which may also describe my eye color when I am angry (rare.)

I am currently reading “Love in the Time of Cholera” and have just seen the beautiful movie which I had somehow missed these past five years since its release. This is the story of love and its many permutations. Love which waits forever never knowing the outcome, love which resides despite pain in an often difficult marriage and the discovery that love, although we age love perhaps does not. It distills and grows and becomes something more pure in time when left on its own.

Love is a topic with which I am well acquainted. I have known it and I have known love’s shallow sister lust. That desire which once satisfied, loses its appeal. Love on the other hand cannot be dismissed no matter hard you try. It has a way of reminding you of itself just when you think you have moved on and found peace with not being in love…Love conquers us in a way we cannot control.

I used to try to hide that fact that I am still very much in love with someone from my past, but I no longer concern myself with what others may think. My love is very far away and yet tucked in close to my heart. I need no formal communication to know it is very real and has a heart beat all its own. I may not ever have the opportunity as our hero did in Marquez’ beautiful story but, I hold my love close in my heart and head all the same. I pray for his health and happiness and wonder what he would think of my paintings, but I do not contact him to ask his opinion although I paint with his voice in my head reminding of why I am painting. Do I have a story or message to share with the viewer?

I continue to date men who will never hold my heart the same way or kiss me in that moment which stops time…I live each day knowing that I have had the kind of love which is written of and yet rarely experienced. The short time I had was enough to enrich me for a lifetime. I have learned so much about myself by being loved…I have learned to trust myself and him. I have learned that I do not need a map in a foreign city in order to find myself…or as Francis in “Darjeeling Ltd” says “We haven’t located us yet”!

ImageFrancis has planned every detail of this train trip through India right down to laminated daily itineraries made by an assistant who is in another car and is theoretically never seen…It is not until they are “lost” and their plans unravel ingloriously that they find themselves and each other. Ultimately we must all drop the excess baggage which slows down our journey and allow ourselves to just enjoy where we are at each day.

The irony here is while traveling I had that wonderful boyfriend who insisted upon carrying all our bags…if only I could have seen through  to the obvious metaphor percolating beneath the surface and appreciated that more. I would have bought less and traveled even more. The things I bought while traveling are for the most part gone, used up, given away, or lost but the memories of even the getting lost are deeply ingrained in who I am…in my core.

I petulantly resisted some of the wisdom of losing my attachment to where I was going while we were together in foreign lands and so in the moment did not appreciate the bigger picture and how it would change me and I would grown in ways I could never have imagined. I could not understand why he tore up my map of Paris as we wandered the streets. I get it now…and how.

Many people after becoming a certain age feel that they are no longer in the game or are on the sidelines in a game they have only ever watched. I feel like I am the pitcher in the World Series game of my own life. I am also the batter and in all that has gone on before has brought me to this place of understanding and strength…of knowing who I am so that I might recognize others as they truly are in their grace and love and craziness and all that is wonderful about them.

So my story is not about subservience or control but rather letting go of control and just accepting the love regardless of the physical distance…of moving ahead in each moment as if it were my last and I will live forever. I may never see him again or I may be with him again…it is not for me to know but just to hold his place in my heart.

So when I wonder what brings me to this place I can say that I started out on a spiritual journey, and I am still on it and my baggage is only carry on…

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