Dreaming with a Broken Heart

December 10, 2012 at 9:00 pm (Art, Letting go, LoVe, Relationships, Travel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

This song was written for me…I personally know what it is like to dream with a broken heart. John says the hardest part is giving up…I never have… I should probably back up a little.

I had the opportunity to meet the love of my life after my divorce from a marriage of 26 years beginning at age 17. I had only been divorced for a year when I met someone who changed everything. I had never known the type of generosity and love he provided me freely. When we met it was like two cross town buses at rush hour crashing into each other! no one saw it coming least of all he or I.

The events leading to why I was where I was that evening is a story best saved for another time…as it is a story all its own.

This story is about realizing after a long time that what we had was so beyond anything I could have imagined and I cannot imagine ever feeling that way about another man. I’m not saying it is impossible but highly unlikely in our fast paced linear thinking culture. An artist like myself he “got me” and in an unexpected turn I “got him” too. As unlikely a pairing as you could imagine it really worked. he taught me to be a better water colorist and he taught me how to draw human figures, a weak spot for me for many years. He made it seem so simple. he had a gift for understanding exactly how and what I needed to learn. For a year it worked until I left the country for 6 months for a business school in the south of France. As Usher sang “You Got it Bad” and I did.

He had told me his dream was to study painting in Holland or Belgium and was interested in an art school in Florence. So we decided he should come visit for a couple of weeks in the spring while I was at school and we could go to Amsterdam and visit the ancient art supply stores and museums. We had a shared love of Van Gogh. His employment situation changed so he was free to come visit…and he did. He ended up staying two months…two glorious, frustrating, awe filled, maddening, amazing WTF months. I fell much deeper in love with him during those days and weeks in France. Not without challenges in our relationship, but I developed a deeper understanding of his complexity as a person, a man and an artist.

He took our Eurail pass to discover the Angel Academy in Florence while I was in mid-terms back in Marseille. He loved it and wanted to enroll as soon as $$$ would allow.

He had ask me to marry him on more than one occasion back in California, but I was still damaged from the last years of my previous marriage and divorce. I could never conceive of  marrying again…not even someone as perfect for me and me for him. It was my Achilles heel. I was insensitive to him in my need to protect myself and I will always regret that.

The last time I saw him we were saying goodbye at the train station in Marseille as he was headed to the airport and home. He moved to another state to be with family and then another state. I returned home to California in June to family issues which required my immediate attention. I was not very good at communicating with him and being supportive while he was transitioning to life away where he needed to be for the time being. he cut all ties with me.

So even though it has been five years and four other relationships in between no one has captured my heart, mind and spirit like he did.Two of them also included proposals, but I could not even conceive of marrying anyone else if I ever would.

So now you know why I dream with a broken heart.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: